If you're like me, you've noticed, lately, that the mainstream media spends virtually no time talking about the presidential candidate's positions on Iraq. Come to think of it, the mainstream media pretty much ignores every major issue in the election,...
If you're like me, you've noticed, lately, that the mainstream media spends virtually no time talking about the presidential candidate's positions on Iraq. Come to think of it, the mainstream media pretty much ignores every major issue in the election, choosing instead to reportson personality differences, money, and spats between candidate spouses and, well...the mainstream media.
Well, after a some careful research, I think I might have found the reason why this is happening: The candidates have not issued their policy positions in lolcat language, that cute, idiosyncratic jargon sweeping the nation.
The origin of lolcat is a photo of a cat superimposed with the sentence 'I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER?' Apparently, this was the author's translation of the more familiar English phrase 'CAN I HAVE A CHEESEBURGER?' Thanks to the internet (such as this web site) and way too much free time on our hands, Americans have produced millions of lolcat photos complete with catchy lolcat phrases.
Given this lolcat language trend, and how much of our collective mental energy is now devoted to lolcat speak on a daily basis, if we-the-people want them-the-media to report on our presidential candidates policy differences--well, then citizen journalists will need to step up.
We will need to do the hard work of translating the candidate's positions into lolcat.
The rules of lolcat grammar have yet to be officially published. Nonetheless, standard average lolcat tends to run something like this (notwithstanding local dialects):
- WRITE ONLY IN ALL CAPS
- Invert letters wehn possible
- Drp vwls
- Try 2 use numbers instead of words
- sentenz fragments
- meyk splelling mistacks
- When all else fails, consult speaklolcat.com
With that technical stuff in mind, I offer the salient points from our top presidential candidates' Iraq positions, translated into lolcat--for the benefit of America's mainstream media political reporters.
MIKE HUCKABEE: "WE HAS TURND TEH CORNR"
IRAQ IZ BATTLE IN R GENERASHUNAL, IDEOLOGICAL WAR ON TERROR. TEH DEMOCRATS DELUSHUNALLY DENY DAT TEH WAR IN IRAQ IZ PART OV TEH WAR ON TERROR EVEN AS WE FIGHT AL QAEDA THAR. AL QAEDA INTENDZ 2 KEEP AN EXPAND ITZ BASEZ IN DA SUNNI AREA OV ANBAR PROVINCE. BUT WEVE MADE GREAT PROGRES IN DENYIN AL QAEDA DAT ANBAR SANCTUARY, WER TEH COMMANDANT OV TEH MARINEZ, GENERAL CONWAY, SEZ DAT "WE HAS TURND TEH CORNR." FOURTEEN OV ANBARS EIGHTEEN TRIBAL LEADERS NO LONGR SUPPORT AL QAEDA.
BARACK OBAMA: "BEGIN 2 REMOOV R TROOPS"
OBAMA WILL IMMEDIATELY BEGIN 2 REMOOV R TROOPS FRUM IRAQ. HE WILL REMOOV WAN 2 2 COMBAT BRIGADEZ EACH MONTH, AN HAS ALL OV R COMBAT BRIGADEZ OUT OV IRAQ WITHIN 16 MONTHS. OBAMA WILL MAK IT CLEAR DAT WE WILL NOT BUILD ANY PERMANENT BASEZ IN IRAQ. HE WILL KEEP SUM TROOPS IN IRAQ 2 PROTECT R EMBASY AN DIPLOMATS; IF AL QAEDA ATTEMPTS 2 BUILD BASE WITHIN IRAQ, HE WILL KEEP TROOPS IN IRAQ OR ELSEWHERE IN DA REGION 2 CARRY OUT TARGETD STRIKEZ ON AL QAEDA.
HILLARY CLINTON: "TROOPS HOME STARTIN WIF TEH FURST 60 DAIS"
STARTIN FASD REDEPLOYMENT WITHIN HILLARYS FURST DAIS IN OFFICE: TEH MOST IMPORTANT PART OV HILLARYS PLAN IZ TEH FURST: 2 END R MILITARY ENGAGEMENT IN IRAQS CIVIL WAR AN IMMEDIATELY START BRINGIN R TROOPS HOME. AS PRESIDENT, WAN OV HILLARYS FURST OFFISHUL ACSHUNS WUD BE 2 CONVENE TEH JOINT CHIEFS OV STAFF, HER SECRETARY OV DEFENSE, AN HER NASHUNAL SECURITY COUNCIL. SHE WUD DIRECT THEM 2 DRAW UP CLEAR, VIABLE PLAN 2 BRIN R TROOPS HOME STARTIN WIF TEH FURST 60 DAIS OV HER ADMINISTRASHUN.
John McCain: "MOAR TROOPS R NECESARY"
A GREATR MILITARY COMMITMENT NAO IZ NECESARY IF WE R 2 ACHIEVE LONG-TURM SUCCES IN IRAQ. JOHN MCCAIN AGREEZ WIF RETIRD ARMY GENERAL JACK KEANE DAT THAR R SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH AMERICAN FORCEZ IN IRAQ. MOAR TROOPS R NECESARY 2 CLEAR AN HOLD INSURGENT STRONGHOLDZ; 2 PROVIDE SECURITY 4 REBUILDIN LOCAL INSTITUSHUNS AN ECONOMIEZ; 2 HALT SECTARIAN VIOLENCE IN BAGHDAD AN DISARM SUNNI AN SHIA MILITIAS; 2 DISMANTLE AL QAEDA; 2 TRAIN TEH IRAQI ARMY; AN 2 EMBD AMERICAN PERSONNEL IN IRAQI POLICE UNITS.
© 2008 Jeffrey Feldman, Frameshop